#11: Disservice to Self (15:51)

Are you following where your bliss is leading you?

It’s been many months since I’ve recorded a podcast episode. During that time, I’ve been working with a life coach who is also an energy worker. In my quest to find balance in my life in Vermont, it has occurred to me that perhaps I just do not belong here. In the past six years, I feel as though a couple of decades have been stripped from my personal evolution, that I am not in tune with my life’s purpose any longer, and that I have committed a disservice to my self and my calling. That’s the topic of this episode of Seeking Balance, A Personal Journey. Disservice to Self

 

Have you ever felt pulled or drawn to a specific person or place, as if your soul recognized a turn in your path that was essential for your inner being? That’s what I have been feeling lately. I am being beckoned to leave a less than lovely life I have created in Vermont and to follow where I am being drawn.

A couple of decades back, I was in a very familiar mindset to where I am now. It seemed nothing I did or thought or tried worked out in my favor. Life was hard and brutal at every turn. The more I fought to keep my head above water, the more I sank. I tried my best yet nothing I did or experienced felt like it was right for me. I allowed society to dictate what my expectations should be. The opinions and thoughts of others always appeared to be the golden answer, while my own were consistently invalidated.

On a freak chance, I able to get away and visit a place I had felt drawn to. Within a couple of months, I had abandoned the desolate life I hated and moved to this place that would become my home for the next 13 years. It wasn’t always easy but I always knew I was on the right path for me. Opportunities and relationships magically appeared. I embarked on a soul-opening journey that allowed me to fully express who I was and to use my God-given talents in a way that made my heart sing. I was never more creative or in my element than I was in this small Kentucky community. I have always been thankful for listening to the call and going where I was led. Had I listened to all the naysayers and the unsolicited advice of those who thought I was crazy, or that they knew what was best for my life, based on THEIR opinions, I might never had made that leap into my destiny.

No matter what anyone tells you or expects of you, if it does not feel right for YOU, then it isn’t. By not following where our hearts are leading us, we only hold ourselves back. By doing what we feel the world expects us to do, and not following our bliss, we do ourselves the greatest disservice.

In this current time frame, I find myself in the same space I was twenty years ago. Different location, same circumstances. The same struggle, the same dissatisfaction with my job. The same stifling of my wild creativity. The SAME pull to leave this place and go where I am being drawn.

When I left my beloved home in Kentucky, the timing felt right. My youngest was about to start high school. I needed to make a decision about buying the house I was living in. I had just left a not-so-great long-term relationship. The job I had been in for three years was not what I had been told it would be. 2012 was approaching and I felt the timing was right to make a move to my family roots in Vermont. The magic I had once felt was slipping and I wanted to revive it.  I was beginning to feel like I did before I moved to Kentucky. A magic door opened and I walked through it.

Fast forward six years. Vermont has not been good for me. In my quest to find my balance here, I have slipped further away from my true self than ever before. It has been like some false reality that has me trapped in a whirlwind of shit. It’s never been my cup to tea – mainly because I really dislike big chunks of shit in my tea!

I don’t begrudge anyone who has found their place here. It’s simply not mine. My entire family lives here. After hundreds of dollars in life coaching that I could little afford financially yet could not afford to bypass, I have rekindled that spark in my soul that’s been waiting for me to blaze a path in the right direction again.

I have stopped taking my circumstances and the projections of others as my end goal in life. I have stopped fighting was just isn’t right for me and set the intent to clear the brush from my path so I can see it clearly once again. My soul has a journey that is not complete. I have been at a standstill almost from day one in this physical location and it has consistently chewed me up and spit me out. I have been doing myself a great disservice by not listening to my heart and connecting with the greater part of myself that I had all but forgotten even exists.

I have been merely going through the motions and the illusion of living. I have not been creating a living. I have been creating a dying.

No sooner had I reopened this door, the synchronicities and magic I had felt two decades ago started to return. With it, the same feeling as though God himself has been knocking me over the head with a 2x4 to get my attention. I have made my peace with this geographic location and trust in the coming months I shall be wishing it farewell. I’ll still visit so I can be near my family but it is not and has never been my home.

My website will need a new name, for Vermont in Balance has been Vermont IMBALANCE. No balance.

Last month, my brother made plans to go to the very place I have been drawn to for the last year. I jokingly begged him to take me with him, not expecting to go. He told me to get my plane ticket and go with him. At first, I made a hundred excuses why I could not take this trip. God’s 2x4 hit me upside the head. WHAT? This is your magic returning! You HAVE to go!! Do it!

Needless to say, in a few days, I will be in sunny Florida for a week. I plan on fully engaging that part of myself that is open to possibilities. I will know if it is meant for me to be there on a more permanent basis, just like I knew I belonged in Kentucky all those years ago.

I am not beating myself up for succumbing to life’s curve balls and believing the illusion. That would just be another disservice to self. I am not feeling guilty for not setting myself on fire any longer, to try to keep others warm. I am not buying into the limited perceptions, beliefs or opinions of others. I read this saying the other day that if you lay down for others they will complain that you are not flat enough to walk on. I do not feel culpable if anyone in my world becomes unhappy because of the decision I am making. It is not about making them feel better about their own agendas. It is about following where my bliss is leading me and knowing that I am ready to continue on the path I was put on this big earth to walk. Not doing what I know is right for my soul’s growth and purpose is only slowing that very growth. I am meant to serve in a greater capacity than Vermont will allow me to. It is time to stop struggling and being in a survival mindset. It is time to stop the disservice to myself so I can truly be of service to others.

I have absolutely no clue what this entails. I will not second guess it or try to work out all the details. I am simply taking it one day at a time with eyes wide open to catch the signs and flow with the synchronicity. The house will sell. The move will happen. The new job will appear. All the little details in between will work themselves out without my needing to control every aspect in advance.

I feel more at peace and in balance with the start of 2018 than I have for a very long time.

Now, remember that question I asked about feeling drawn or pulled to a specific person or location or experience? If you are in a state of uncertainty or feeling trapped, what would happen if you stepped outside those trappings and followed your instincts? It’s a hell of a lot of hard work to dismantle our self-limiting beliefs and Lord knows, I am still working on mine. When the synchronicities begin to appear, it’s confirmation that we are on the path that is meant for us. The jail cells we create, whether or not we realize they are made of our own doing, do not have to be our realities that define who we are. Our hearts know the way and our heads keep us held back. We alone dish out the greatest disservice to ourselves. I refuse to stay stuck in the so-called matrix. How about you?

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Thanks again to Fabrizio Selli for the amazing intro music! You can listen to more of his beautiful creations on his website at fabrizioselli.com

Until next time, love well my friends.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for listening to the Seeking Balance A Personal Journey podcast!

Thanks again to Fabrizio Selli for the amazing new intro music!

Until next time, love well my friends.


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